Before….the “I Do’s “(Johnathan’s Diary) *Adult Content*

“Nothing Johnathan…go lay down and rest..” Are you fucking serious…it was obvious something was getting talked about downstairs. None the less I did go upstairs, I was to pissed off to be around Ramiro anyway. I was no longer just drunk…even Wolfgang saw that – I had snorted a few line’s once I came back upstairs with my mail. I even locked my door, I didn’t want anyone bothering me right now – the only way Ramiro would get into my room right now is if I opened the door for him…which was highly unlikely at the moment. I was thrown off guard completely by the note…and who it was by, and what fell on my floor once I opened the envelope.

 

Johnathan, 

Here is a key to my house…if you ever need to get away from anything. Don’t worry about bills getting paid or anything – they are automatically paid every month…- please don’t ask. The only thing I do ask…which I already know you won’t..is don’t bring friend’s or invite friends over…etc cetra…so my putting that there…was stupid. Also…here is my #…text of call it when ever you need someone to talk to…PLEASE! I always have my cell phone on..well except for this weekend…*blushing…literally*  

your’s , Mark.

The note is the whole fucking reason I snorted three line’s of coke to fucking begin with, how the hell did Mark find out where I lived to begin with? Here….I thought I’d never talk or see Mark again and suddenly all I wanted was to be back in Mark’s arms. Gritting my teeth I socked my mirror…all over again watching glass shatter and fall all over my dresser again. Sighing..what the fuck did I do that for…now I’m just going to have to replace it all over again and clean up another god damn mess. Suddenly I was angry…that’s why I socked my mirror…HOW THE HELL DID HE KNOW WHERE I LIVED…? suddenly I wanted to know what else he may have found out about me and found myself sitting on my floor biting my lip. Here is a key to my place…if you need a escape, remembering barely getting in his front door before we were all over one another, I felt his lips all over again on mine…and he wasn’t even there with me.

Feeling irritated because my body was responding to just a simple memory I bit my lip hard. Feeling the pain and let it shoot through me, tasting the blood…bitter tasting – Marks blood from when I bit his lip and tasted his blood so sweet. Damn it! why was I thinking about all this now. I shot my head up in the direction of my door, someone was knocking, wonder how long they were knocking…it was impatient knocking. Growling with annoyance at the fact I was getting disturbed..or my thoughts interrupted – why was that bothering me….

“who the fuck is it? what the fuck do you want…”

Ramiro: “Me. Can I come in? Are you okay? ”

“gee i should have fucking known. no you can’t come in…in fact leave me alone – geez same stupid question…”can i come in” why the fuck else would people fucking knock!!!! an to be honest…i’ll be fucking fine IF PEOPLE JUST LEFT ME ALONE FOR AWHILE!!!!!!!”

Ramiro: “Alright…I’ll let everyone know..not to disturb you for awhile hon’. Please try and rest Johnathan..I Love yo-”

“go the fuck away…go talk to wolfgang some more or something…yeah..let them know…yeah…rest..another word for sleep..i’ll get right on it okay..i’m sorry..i’ll try…”

I threw something at my door to get the fucking point through an finally heard him walking the fuck away. I didn’t even mean it when I said sorry…the word has no fucking meaning to it and never has. It’s been said to me so many times that I don’t and won’t believe it ever again. Empty word with just as empty a feeling to me and it’ll remain that way until when ever I die…or decide to take my own life. Staring at the note in my hand…I find myself back to where I started – Mark’s hair and his eye’s , the taste of his blood and mine mixed…Mark’s sweet taste and mine a bitter taste so perfect together.

Slipping the key onto my key ring..I didn’t care if questions got asked – it was none of their business. Running his hands through my hair that night, and how good it felt when I ran my hands through his. How good it felt to have his body against mine…damn it! why am I even thinking about all of this..or he and I that night? Biting my lip as I again feel my body responding to my thoughts…this wasn’t fair. What is it…want, need, passion…lust – desperation no scratch that out you fucking moron. Love….no that didn’t make sense either, it ended 12 year’s ago when he left me at the orphanage, but that night…the want, need , everything that happened. 

Laying back on my floor holding the note I find myself frustrated. Hearing the necklace Ramiro replaced jingle as I did lay back I gritted my teeth…you stupid asshole. I never even wanted a replacement. I didn’t even want anything to do with my own fiance’ right now…what the fuck was up with that? I knew exactly why…all the doubt for the last four year’s. I know he saw my wrist, I knew he knew the reason but kept his mouth shut…I’ll give him that much credit.

“I saw it yes…it confuses me too..” just shows though..that you know how to lie…so thank you for fucking showing me that. I made sure…to keep it ended 12 year’s ago..made sure to end it all over again when I left his house…with out looking back, swearing myself to never see him again. Suddenly I felt so lonely that it hurt, and I welcomed the pain all over again. “you block him out…yet you still feel his…your unbreakable bond…how” well aren’t you just a nosy fucking prick. Why ask such a stupid question when even I don’t know the answer to it – he and I’s bond..is a new type of bond..never created until he and I met.

Another knock sound’s on my door, ugh! god damn it!! can’t people leave me alone. I just want to be left alone, left alone with my thoughts…- and suddenly feel myself smiling..left alone with thought’s of Mark and I…and what happened…at the Cliff, …the ho – his house. Gritting my teeth as I hear the knock harder, God Damn it!!! 

“WHAT? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! DID NO ONE GET THE MESSAGE…WHEN HE TOLD YOU ALL THAT I WANTED TO BE LEFT ALONE?!”

Ramiro: “Shut the hell up, open the God Damn Door Johnathan. You need to take your God Damn medicine the doctor gave you…then I’ll leave you the fuck alone..”

Groaning….right…forgot – medicine. It’s thanks to them…technically that I had this stupid accident anyway. Ramiro in my damn bed, Wolfgang sprawled outside my door…all of it causing my panic attack to spike..making me to fly…no make that fall down the stair’s smashing into the god damn table downstairs and the vase to hit me. Getting up and kicking off my boot’s and forgetting about the glass I walk..cursing out loud…GOD DAMN IT….grr…sighing I stagger to my door unlock it. Before I know it my door is getting slammed opened and I’m on my god damn ass. Grr! GOD DAMN IT! WHAT THE FUCK, shaking my head, I look up  to see Ramiro standing over me literally furious – shit! the note..I scramble up and slide it under the dresser with my foot..ignoring the shattered glass.

“GRR! GOD DAMN IT! WHAT THE FUCK RAMIRO!…what the fuck did you do that for you asshole!”

Ramiro: “Shut the fuck up Johnathan. What the fuck is your problem lately huh? I did it because it was the only way to get you to open the fucking door for one..and also because yes you kind of haven’t taken your fucking medication for you god damn head all fucking day you idiot! Oh…and by the way..if you’re paying the fuck attention you drunk idiot..your stepping on glass!”

Yeah..he had a point I was stepping on glass. Walking past him I slammed my bedroom door shut. If only he knew what the fuck my problem was…let’s see Ramiro…I don’t know…I’ve been wanting to..oh wait…I mean I’ve tried to kill myself a few day’s ago..but got stopped by a hot guy…I had a thing with 12 years ago and spent 2 or 3 day’s with ..while you were so worried about me..(fake worry I’m sure). Oh.. and I’m not only drunk..but high too. Hmm what else… oh yeah..thanks to you and that asshole wolfgang i had this little accident….oh yeah… I got this random note in the mail..with a key to the hot guy’s fucking house..if I need a escape – SO MUCH FUCKING SHIT…more then the list…you wouldn’t understand..let alone you honestly don’t fucking care!

Shaking my head..coming back to reality – Thank god he’s blocked from my mind right now. He has a very angry wave coming off of him right now, and I actually couldn’t be happier. Leaning against my door so I was behind me I laughed darkly..is he fucking serious..god what a asshole.

“what is wrong with me lately…i find that ironic that you don’t know what’s wrong with me already. you pay real fucking attention to me…now don’t you..? wait…don’t answer that..i already know that answer…NO YOU DON’T PAY ATTENTION TO ME. you don’t care..you honestly haven’t cared you know. doubting me and all that shit..in fact i really doubt you’d be here right now. if i didn’t have this accident…you wouldn’t be here right now..you asshole…you’d be in that pretty little manor of your’s that i helped repair the damages..done.”
“which…again let me fucking remind you…i let you do what you did to me…for you..and not myself. now…leave the medicine on my dresser and fucking leave my room…please. i want to be left the fuck alone for the rest of the day…and fucking night – do you fucking understand me..?”

He didn’t even turn around to face me, instead just put a hand in his pocket and relaxed his grip on the medicine some. It just proved all of my point’s so far, and the fact that I’ve been lied to all of these year’s. The longer he was in this room with me, the more angry I got at him and everything else. The necklace meant nothing…now I knew why I threw it all the sudden, I had the urge to tear it off all over again and throw it at him. I was beyond angry to be honest if it wasn’t for me leaning against my door with my arm’s crossed I would of socked him already.

Ramiro: “Is that what you think…really? Is that what you feel Johnathan? Yeah…thanks for that by the way, I wanted to thank you for awhile now. I would be here, regardless if it happened or not unless you asked me other wise Johnathan.”

He walked over and put it on my dresser, but his answer’s…were so emotionless. I wonder if…he was hurt, or if he was controlling his emotions..or keeping them in check. I didn’t care, I had a dark smile on my face. He was such a fucking asshole that I didn’t care, I saw the truth behind all of his answer’s and it sucked. He walked over me with one hand still in his pocket, and his face blank of everything and put the other hand against my door.

Gritting my teeth I was losing my patience, what is it with no one fucking listening or doing what I asked..even if I asked nicely. I needed space, and to be left alone…and absolutely no one was giving it to me. Next thing I knew he was leaning in and kissing me, it pissed me off…no space again. I let the anger purposely pass through me so he’d feel it too…before I grabbed him hard and kissed him back, before kicking him in the stomach making him fly into my bed. He got up, and grit his teeth before shoving me against the door, I wanted none of this right now. 

“your right…i am drunk..but i’m also something else to. right now i’m also pissed off or did you not just get that? did you not just feel that either…when i let it pass through me so you’d fucking feel it, or when i just kicked you into the bed? do you need another fucking dose of it…or do you get it by the tone of my voice?”

Ramiro: “I know your fucking drunk, I know your fucking pissed. I know your something else…and I want to know what the fuck that something else is God Damn it Johnathan! No I don’t need another dose of it Jesus Fucking Christ…and I hear it in your voice. ”

“fine…then listen to this. i’m asking you to leave me alone for the rest of the day, and the rest of the night. you said you’d do something…if i asked you other wise…right – well i am asking you to let everyone know that i want to be left alone for the rest of the day and night. my door will be locked, i’d like your key…just for now…okay. you still feel our bond then you know this means nothing…ask wolfgang for the key to the twin’s room..there is a bed in there still. i need time…to think, space….just need to be left alone for awhile alright.”

Ramiro: “Fine Johnathan. Yeah…I know this mean’s nothing Johnathan. Look – I just wish you would.. -”

“god fucking damn it…don’t make me yell or repeat myself. just fucking go ramiro….please..”

I was holding back every emotion I had, and it was getting harder every second. I did what I thought would change ….his doubt once again. God damn him and doubting me! I grabbed him and shoved him against my door and came down with a heated kiss before grabbing the chain and yanking it until I hear it snap and tossing it behind me. Biting my lip as I let the tear’s finally slide down I backed up and turned my back on him as I heard my door open and close quietly. I back up until I felt my back against my door and locked it, it hurt…but I found myself smiling darkly – finally…alone time…I was finally being left the fuck alone.

08-08-17_10-32-52 PM

As for the key to Mark’s house….I guess maybe I’ll keep it in my mind. Suddenly thought’s of Mark and I swarm my mind like a hive of bee’s. I want it…all over again, I want Mark all over again. God Damn it…my body responding to everything I’m thinking….- It shouldn’t be, I didn’t want to be responding…reacting to my thoughts. Staggering over to my bed I lay down and stare at the ceiling with my hand’s behind my head. Is this the whole reason why I wanted to be alone….to torture myself with thought’s of Mark’s lip’s against mine, his body against mine.

Mark’s hair against my skin when he kissed me, his breath on my neck when he whispered in my ear what he wanted…or even my name. Gritting my teeth I sit up and stare at the wall…god damn it. Standing up I walk over to my dresser and take the stupid dose of medicine before laying back down. To be honest, I shouldn’t even be drinking or anything while taking the medicine..yadda yadda. Frustrated…I roll over on my side and curl up – what is it…with me thinking about Mark so much?

Remembering the note, I get up…faster then I should have and walk over to my dresser.  Kneeling down I reach under and grab it, pulling a lighter out of my pocket I walk over to my trash can and light the note and toss it in the trash watching it burn. No evidence…jesus I’m so tired of the confusion – I walk over to my bed and fall face first on it and roll over on to my back. My kissing Mark on his lip’s causing everything spinning, arm’s around him…his body against mine. Calling out one another’s name’s….I eventually fade into sleep.

 

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