Lies….(Johnathan’s Diary) – Part Three – *Adult Content*

I left Mark’s house…it’d be the last time he would ever see me again. I didn’t even look back when I left, I was confused and frustrated as to how it all happened to begin with. Mark was still asleep when I left, the sheet half covering him…I wanted nothing more to do with him ever again. My head started aching as I walked down the street, I needed fucking liquor..or a god damn beer….something. The coke was still coursing through my system like a god damn river and it felt good. 

Unleashing and loosing control had nothing to do with anything I was feeling right now. I braced myself for what I was going to feel all over again this time, they’d just be leaving again after I gave them what they wanted…after what they got. To be honest, regardless of my drunken state at the was what we both wanted the last few day’s. All I wanted was to be left alone that night…- suddenly everything came flashing back to me. I was probably his laughing entertainment too that night.

Sticking my hands in my pocket…to think about it, I was probably his entertainment the whole fucking time we were together…how many day’s was it anyway? I don’t even know what day it was when he stopped me from doing what I wanted to do….deep down still wanted to do. Looking down at my with a bandage wrapped around it, I ripped it off and threw it in the trash. I really wish I wasn’t stopped that night, then I again wouldn’t be here living in misery, anger, and hurt all over again. Remembering the pain I felt while the knife dug into my wrist making me smirk darkly, I would do anything right now to feel that pain all over again. Feeling only my key’s in my pocket, I stopped….of course…getting thrown to the ground and knife kicked out of my hand.

God damn it! well…at least now I know where to find it. Walking toward where the cliff area’ is, trying to ignore the memories of the recent events I look around for it. Wasn’t really hard to find, the sun glinting off of it. Looking at it, I grit my teeth and kick it hard enough to skid it across the cliff and hit the rocky edge where I was standing a few nights ago. Clenching my fist I kick it over the cliff watching it drop into the water down below..suddenly once again imagining the knife was me. 

Suddenly wishing it was me, and not the knife at all I walk away. “don’t do it…it isn’t worth it…” What the fuck does he know anyway, I wasn’t the one who walked away 12 year’s ago with out looking back. What happened for not even sure how many day’s…doesn’t matter to me, he’s still just some stranger to me now. He didn’t have to make me his fucking responsibility at all..he could of just walked away. I remember how bad I wanted him to leave, just go away and to get away from me. 

Snapping out of my reverie by someone telling me to watch where I am going, I shove them and tell them to fuck off before I continue walking down the street. I wasn’t in the mood for people’s bullshit or getting snapped at from fucking anyone right now. Walking into a small store, I pick a new pocket knife…nothing special – plain really.  Walking out I head to the next destination…I already knew where it was. Even though I knew I didn’t need it I went anyway – as soon as I walked in, everyone vacated the place.

I was getting used to this effect lately, and liked it a lot. Walking in the back there were already lines set out – to be honest it didn’t surprise me. I’d been coming here the last…..I don’t even know how many day’s now. Hmm three line’s..maybe I’ll push for four this time just for the hell of it to get a real fuck up going on. I wave everyone out of the room with a single movement and a thanks, if it wasn’t for me this place wouldn’t be fucking flourishing the way it was to begin with.

Setting down another line of coke next to the three already set down, I take a hundred dollar bill out of my pocket and roll it up. My life fucking sucked, I couldn’t even be left alone to die the other night. It is like I was meant to live in misery from the very fucking start of this so called life. I snorted all four line’s with out much of a break in between sitting back in the chair, enjoying the burn and the rush as the coke hit me. Getting up I walked out of the place and back into the street’s. 

“he sure is one for punishment….” Gritting my teeth, what the fuck does he know..I did it for him…for someone who doubt’s me after four year’s of loving them. “your the key to mine to…thanks I love yo-”  God he was so full of fucking shit, just like everyone else in my life who ever fucking told me something. Lied to my whole life…this shouldn’t be a fucking shocker to me…but it is. “i have strong feelings for you, i will never leave….” Yeah, well you did…you left me alone. Once Mark had up and left 12 years ago I should of considered over.

I was hurt…rephrase that, am still hurt – regardless of what took place yesterday – and how many day’s ago. What happened with Mark shouldn’t of fucking happened to begin with. It wasn’t fair…feeling so confused, and wanting Mark like that, and giving in – none of it was fair. The fact that I didn’t care at the same time either threw me into further confusion. I didn’t even fucking want anything to do with Ramiro – and Ramiro and I share the rare “Unbreakable Bond”. 

Lately I even wonder if the “Unbreakable Bond” even existed now the fucking day’s…remembering all the year’s Wolfgang hid things from Yuuki. Suddenly I felt really pissed the fuck off at everyone at the house…well except Clary and Julian. House….home, the place that I now own because I was heir…and I wasn’t even Yuuki and Wolfgang’s flesh and blood. I was just…Johnathan…a kid they adopted from the Orphanage, when I was fucking 10. A fucked up kid….they adopted me..because they wanted a child so they could hear giggling, laughing and someone to socialize. 

Yuuki and Wolfgang…didn’t know what they were getting into when they adopted me though. Even the orphanage didn’t have accurate information on me…not only because how they found me. Also though because they didn’t observe my behavior as well as they claimed they did to them, they didn’t even really get a chance to know me…then again I also never gave them the chance to get to know me. Everything about my life was fucked up from the very beginning to say the least. I stopped quick, so quick I felt the whole ground below my feet shift…at least to me – I wasn’t even paying attention to where I was walking I was so lost in thought, two familiar voices caught my attention.

I found myself back at the cliff’s where all this bullshit with Mark had started, as memories of it all came flooding back I felt myself blush..thank god it was dark. I dived into the shadow’s deeper, near a bunch of tree’s and bushes and leaned against a tree trunk listening in. 

Ramiro: “I’m sorry I called you. Look I know you probably have a lot going on since Emm-”
Wolfgang: “What do you need Ramiro?…and why did you want to meet here anyway. You could of just came over to the house…”
Ramiro: ” I was wondering if you’ve heard from Johnathan…at all? An…yeah I could’ve but was respecting…space so to speak.”

I heard a sigh of frustration from Wolfgang, and the sound of Ramiro’s feet kicking at rocks on the ground. Gee I guess it couldn’t be more fucking awkward for them…how long have I fucking been gone anyway? Respecting space….sure – if you were doing wouldn’t of fucking bothered Wolfgang you fucking jackass. I don’t blame the asshole for being frustrated…leaning my head back against the tree trunk and slipping my hand’s in my pocket, I stood there and listened as I wrapped my finger’s around the new pocket knife. Yeah…I still felt Ramiro and I’s bond…stronger than ever…but I was wondering if it was all a fucking mind game..and I was brain washed enough…enough to actually believe it existed..making myself mentally think it existed. Which once something was mentally thought out…or believed that something existed…you in turn feel it physically.

Sighing inwardly in both annoyance and frustration..I continued to listen. Not feeling bad at all for ease dropping. . . to be honest neither of them deserved my attention..or time of day lately. Especially with all the shit one of them has put me through …saying I know nothing…while the other doubts me with practically everything he had…even after four fucking year’s.

Wolfgang: “No. I haven’t Ramiro, why – to be honest the last fucking time I saw him…was when I told him to “go…and do whatever the fuck it is he does…so I could go home to what’s left of my kid’s and Yuuki”…and he walked away with a barely audible sorry. I kind of don’t care right now either, he knows where the fuck home is..after all it’s fucking his home now..he fucking own’s it. Why?”
Ramiro: “The last time I called him I got screamed leave him the fuck alone or some shit alright Wolfgang. That was about..let’s see almost 2 or 3 fucking day’s ago…now Wolfgang. He left a key to the house for me if I did want to stop by…but was respecting space for you, Yuuki, Clary and Julian alright. I also wanted to thank him for sending everything to replace my house. Sorry for asking..if you saw your own fucking son, it’s apparent now that you seem to not give a shit at the moment.”
Wolfgang: “Son….huh, funny. Look, I haven’t seen him alright. Have you tried calling him at all, texting him..or maybe looking where he like’s to hang out at…when he needs time or what the hell ever Ramiro? …try the place where you and he met..or something alright. You can’t keep fucking running to Yuuki and I…when shit goes south between you and he. You guys have a bond stronger than Yuuki and I and is only getting stronger by the minute, hour, second..more than anyone she and I ever known – try pin pointing or zoning in on that alright bud…AND I NEVER SAID I DID’T GIVE A SHIT”
Ramiro: “Look…sorry for what I said about you not caring and all of that. I’m just frustrated alright, yes I have. I tried calling – it went to voicemail…a not so nice one either. His phone’s been turned off since I called him a few night’s ago and got yelled at to respect space…or something like was so slurred I was barely able to understand him. Text messages weren’t going through, said failed to go or something…I’m guessing it’s either because he hasn’t set it up..or because his cell phone is off.”
Ramiro: “I did try the place..he and I met they haven’t seen him. I even tried the school just for the hell of it, he wasn’t there either. Nothing went south between us this time Wolfgang…hasn’t for awhile. Look…I’ll let you go, sorry – thanks..I’ll try that. See ya around Wolfgang…”

Almost three day’s…somehow that doesn’t fucking surprise me. Yeah….I know where “home” is. Sure it was built through out the year’s based on honesty and hard work, but they really had no idea how I really felt about the god damned place. A place that I know owned…that lately I felt like I didn’t want anymore. I felt it was wrong for me to own it now a day’s, it didn’t seem fair to Clary or Julian to not even had a chance to get the whole “vote” in on who the heiress or heir should be.

Noo….they didn’t fucking think about any of that, it was because they were to young at the time, and Emma was pretty much “shaming” the Cross name…and the twins had practically been set on moving out. It made me practically “default” choice in the area….but again I think they also did it because I was adopted…because they adopted me. “it made this manor…mine by default…because no one else wanted it…it’s more a curse..then blessing Gritting my teeth, and clenching my fist – Leave me the fuck alone…I highly doubt anything you’ve said to me is the fucking truth all of these god damn years. Taking a deep, calming breath inwardly I leaned against the tree holding my breath as Wolfgang and Ramiro walked by. Right now I suddenly hated both of them more than I ever have…, “Son, huh…funny” – Wolfgang fuck off you asshole…at least you’ve come to terms….I don’t see you as a god damn father…fucking finally.

Once the coast was clear I waited another 15 minute’s before walking over to the edge of the cliff and looking down. God how fucking tempting it looked, everything would be over than and quickly and the ocean would wash away everything..any evidence that I even existed. Just like it did with the glass pieces from the liquor bottle, they were washed away…like nothing was even there to begin with. They wouldn’t miss me, and the house would go to someone…who actually deserved it…who was their flesh and blood..instead of some adopted kid. The coke coursing through my body making my mind race, …screaming for me to jump – while I just stood there staring down watching the wave’s crash against the rocks, and the cliff side below.

What the fuck was stopping me from doing this. It’d be painless, quick – the only thing I’d feel is the wind blowing as I jumped down to meet the one thing I’ve wanted for most of my life….death. Sighing I felt myself sink to the ground, and laid down on my back – again the star’s twinkling was like they were laughing at my fucking misery. I wonder if my having the supposed “unbreakable bond” with Ramiro was what was keeping me from doing what I want so badly to do right now. I wondered….if I didn’t have this supposedly “unbreakable bond”…it’d be easier for me to jump, or if I’d already jumped by now. 

I felt like I was meant to live in misery…all over again – just for everyone else’s entertainment. To be laughed at, pointed at, made fun of…..“look it’s the kid who was left on the steps.” – “hey isn’t that ..the weird kid who was abandoned…” All of the comment’s and getting pointed at when I was at the orphanage run through my mind. I look over at my wrist…if only I’d dug in a little deeper, I wonder if…if I still did dig in deeper to what was…what is already there if it’ would hit the right spot. “he sure is one for punishment…” – thanks…your the key to my heart too…i love you…” – ” what does he know…he know’s nothing” – “how would he knows how it feels….” I grit my teeth and grab my knife out of my pocket and and flip it open…stabbing the place I dug the knife many..ever day’s ago crying out as I feel the pain shoot through me. Clenching my fist as I feel blood come out of where I stabbed, as I feel tear’s stream down – god how good the pain felt compared to what I was feeling before.

So tired of life, the pain other’s caused me, depression, anger, tired of it all. Go ahead star’s…keep laughing at me …with your twinkling in the sky. At least your free up there…to do what ever you want. The fact that I’ve been lied to by Wolfgang…, Yuuki – probably, Clary…never telling me what’s wrong..or when she said she was fine, Mark….so many year’s ago…and even those few day’s together, and Ramiro…even after four year’s..still doubt’s me…and still is lying to me….“i love you, your the key…”. I scream out loud on the top of my lungs, everything…, everyone.

Pissed off that I am….am the only one who actually pay’s enough attention to know when something is wrong. Who know’s Clary or Julian more..or better then they’re own fucking parent’s, what fucking type of parent …doesn’t even know their own kid. I instantly regret asking myself that question. I lift up my arm, looking at my wrist…watching as blood streams down my arm slowly. I don’t really care about anything anymore…“your’s and his bond is alot stronger…growing stronger every minute, second, hour…quicker than she and i have ever seen…or anyone has ever seen…try zoning in on that…” Tch…so fucking annoying, sounds like such bullshit…but maybe he’s right an that irritates the fuck out of me.

Gritting my teeth, clenching my fist making more blood stream out…I sigh and sit up. I already knew he checked both bar’s by now…I didn’t risk it though. I stood up a little to fast and got light headed, mainly because of the coke in my system and probably from my wrist bleeding. Shrugging it off I walked to the store and bought three bottle’s of vodka, leaving two in the stupid cloth bag they gave me and opened one drinking it while walking home. I really didn’t want to go home, but I didn’t want to go anywhere else either.

The coke streaming through my system helped the alcohol hit me harder and quicker and by the time I had walked through the front door I was already staggering and drunker then I’ve been in a long time. I had relaxed my left arm so my wrist bled more as I walked home, everyone looked up at me when I walked into the dining room – I gritted my teeth and tightened my grip on the bottle. Wolfgang didn’t even seemed phased that I even had alcohol in my hand, Yuuki looked like she was about to say something…until Wolfgang shook his head thinking I wouldn’t notice. Clary and Julian just looked at me in silence…yeah please don’t say anything to me…especially you right now Clary…please…is all I thought in my head. I was to irritated, pissed off, fucked up on coke, and drunk to deal with anyone really right now and ignored the gasp Yuuki let escape as blood dripped onto the floor from my wrist…I’d forgotten it was bleeding in the first place.

Wolfgang: “Johnathan…..Ramiro’s been looking for you….”

As irritated as I was…and the fact that I already fucking knew this from listening in earlier, I clenched my fist in searching for a response that wouldn’t offend neither Clary, Julian…or Yuuki this time. One thing that pissed me off…is I had to hold back when Yuuki, Clary or even Julian were around…not only out of respect, but because I didn’t want to offend them…or have Clary or Julian pick up foul language.

Wolfgang: ” Johnathan…? ”

Shaking my head to come back to reality, I curse inwardly and respond…even hearing the anger and darkness in my own voice..besides the slurring when I did.

Johnathan: “Yeah…well..good for freaking him…he know’s where to find me…now doesn’t he…”

I turned back around and staggered through the living room and up the stairs, purposely ignoring Emma’s now black door and staggering to my section of the house to my room. Took three time’s just to unlock my fucking door finally getting in I slam the door and lock it, to be honest…I hope he stay’s away for a little longer. Sure…we’ll be married soon even though we don’t have to, but I didn’t want anything to fucking do with him right now. It pissed me off that it’s how I fucking felt. Setting the stupid bag down, I kicked off my boot’s making them slam against my bedroom door with meaning too – I still smelt like Irish Spring from when I took a shower at Mark’s on top of grass from when I laid down up at the cliffs and blood from my wrist and now vodka.

Thinking about Mark sent pain shooting through me, pain I had already prepared myself for and smiled darkly. Remembering what took place at the cliffs…being high just made everything 10 times better…and he didn’t even know I was high. The fact that I wanted him…and wanted what we did to happen sent everything spiraling all over again for me so fast that I had to sit down on my bed. It wasn’t fair I was feeling any of this…wanting any of it…suddenly all over again, shrugging out of my jacket and throwing it to the floor looking at my wrist. Remembering how gentle he’d been when he cleaned it…wrapped it, shoving the thought away…only to have my mind flooded with what happened even before we got to his bathroom.

Jerking my head up at the sound of a soft knock at my door I groaned inwardly. Why can’t people just leave me the fuck alone, looking over at the alarm clock I’d picked up and put on my dresser it said it was 10 minutes to midnight. The knock sounded again, god damn it…sighing I staggered to the door with bottle in hand..

Johnathan: “who is it…?”
Wolfgang: “It’s me…can I come in Johnathan…?”

Jesus christ…the same ol’ stupid fucking question….”can I come in?”. Well gee I don’t know…if you didn’t want to fucking come in, you wouldn’t of knocked. If you wanted in you could’ve just opened my door. Only thing stopping your ass from coming in, is my doing when I fucking locked it. Unlocking my door , with my patience already wearing fucking thin and he hadn’t even come in yet I opened it, staggering sideways..practically falling on my ass because of my boots..cursing out loud. 

Johnathan: “what do you want? it get’s real fucking old…that question …can i come in…when if you didn’t want wouldn’t of fucking knocked to begin with – the only reason you didn’t just come in …is because my ass locked my door…you going to stand there…or are you going to fucking come in like you wanted…”
Wolfgang: “Take it easy Johnathan…- please. Calm down…alright. It’s called respect when you knock on someone’s door before asking…and also respect instead of just barging into a or anyone’s bedroom. You’re good at that…by the way…knocking before entering..”

I was getting more irritated by the minute. Leaning against my wall and taking a drink he finally stepped into my room and shut the door behind him. At least I fucking cleaned it some, minus a few scratches on the wall…and mark’s…or where I threw my knife into it. Thinking about my knife, I felt the one in my pocket like it was suddenly a hot iron and grabbed it out of my pocket and threw it across the room making it hit the light on my night stand and shatter it. …Fuck, gritting my teeth as the rest of the small lamp hits the floor with a smash…good fucking going. Running a hand through my hair…suddenly getting thrown back to when Mark had run his hand through my damp hair from our shower…, from our passion sex…and from when he’d kissed me.

God Damn it! I’m never going to see him again…so why the fuck is all this shit coming to me all over again. I sigh and take another swig before staggering over to my bed, I might as well turn the other light on…see the damage. I’m sure he doesn’t exactly want to be in a dark room anyway. Before reaching for the light I smile darkly….knocking the light off of Ramiro’s night stand….that night. Grr! so fucking confusing, frustrating, shaking my head I sigh and say fuck it to turning on the light… rather hide any emotion on my face anyway…and rather not let him see my wrist…the damage done..or the fact that it’s still bleeding. 

Johnathan: ” is that suppose to be a compliment…was i suppose to say thank you..or something to i know what the fuck respect is. an i am calm…you have yet to see me loose my fucking temper…what you’ve seen isn’t even fucking half of what i am…when i am not calm alright let the fuck alone angry alright…jesus christ.”

Wolfgang: “Do you want to talk about it…? Why the hell is your wrist bleeding? Do you even want to tell me where the hell you’ve been like…the past 2 or 3 day’s? better yet…do I even want to know where the hell you’ve been Johnathan…?”

Oh…this is fucking ironic – so he came in here to fucking lecture me. The last I checked I was fucking 18…which meant or mean’s I could do anything the fuck I want. “son huh…funny” I grit my teeth…seriously was he trying to play the “fatherly” role here. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud, Wolfgang…playing “father” to me. I should get up and sock him in the face…but it’d hurt him a lot more then I’d mean too.

Wolfgang: “Earth to Johnathan…hey…did you hear me? JOHNATHAN!”

Shaking my head and growling in annoyance…he’s really getting on my nerve’s. Shitty…Mark did the same fucking thing to me, except Wolfgang left out slapping me in the face.

Johnathan: “i’m right fucking don’t need to you mind it’s 12 am..people might be sleeping. i am 18…remember, not to be a dick or anything but doesn’t that consider me a adult or some shit. have i really been gone that many day’s….? hm that’s fucking funny to be honest…i mean wasn’t it you who said…something along the line’s of…”what the fuck do you want…before my patience yadda yadda yadda..and so i can go back to yuuki and – let me emphasize this next part for you closely now….and let me get back to “MY KIDS” and “WHATS LEFT OF THEM” while you go do what ever it is the fuck you do….” …or do you and again not to be a dick or anything…or do you miraculously not remember that part…when ever the fuck this took place.”

Johnathan: “…talk about what wolfgang? do i want to talk about what? and ….no – you really don’t want to know why the fuck my wrist is bleeding. wolfgang…what do you want man…because…yeah just what do you want…really?”

Wolfgang: “Yikes kiddo….you are seriously messed didn’t hear anything I said after all of the questions I asked you. Johnathan…when was the last time you slept? I didn’t yell kid…what’s got you so deep in thought that space out you don’t hear what or when someone is talking Johnathan….?

Kiddo, and kid…he really is pushing …and wearing his god damn welcome in my room. I’m debating warning him, or just up and slapping him across the face. If only he knew the shit that was distracting me right now…oh wait he want’s to…but he’s not going to know. The last time I slept…erm if I told him that…he’d also know some part of what’s on my mind so only thing I can do to that is laugh too. Depends on what he mean’s by messed up…let’s answer him with a question…instead of a answer. I’m actually starting to fucking enjoy this…I chuckle before drinking some more. 

Johnathan: “kid, and kiddo…- nope. try 18…remember..mean’s an adult. what do you mean when you say “seriously messed up” by the way…because you know..there are a lot of types of that…mental, physical, emotional…hmm think i missed a few..and a lot of definitions. what would you call it you did then…to get my attention when you practically screamed out my name…that’s not yelling? is there a new definition or name for it…because that’s news to me. so…how is it fair to ask me questions and expect answers…yet not answer my questions i ask you…that’s a fucked up way to communicate..”

Wolfgang: “Johnathan…just how much have you had to drink…have you even stopped drinking since…2 or 3 day’s ago? I know how old you are, stop being a damn smart ass…and I asked if you wanted to talk…because something seem’s to be bothering you bad enough that you’ve had to be wasted 24/7…and cause you not to sleep….for the last..fucking how ever many day’s you haven’t slept. How the hell are you able to get alcohol anyway….? jeez.

Ha ha he is really something else..maybe it’s because I’m so fucked up on coke and drunk that I’m getting entertainment from all of this. I will be honest…tell him that yeah I was sober for maybe a fucking day…off alcohol – laughing at myself. Hmm cause me not to sleep, oh man if only the guy knew.. let’s see.. there’s… Coke, Ramiro….more coke…ohh right almost forgot Mark…not getting enough of one another…shaking my head and gritting my teeth…why the fuck does he keep coming up anyway….oh and then more coke. If I did sleep it was maybe a whole fucking hour if anything…and not even considered sleep if it’s riddled with nightmares and shit. Is he really that stupid….it’s called a fake I.D….he did the same fucking thing when he was younger…though for me…I’m to well known around town I get the shit handed to me…erm so I guess I should just fling it in his face…”duh the same fucking way you did…when you were my age”…and leave it at that…ha!

Johnathan: “hmm let me think…ummm yep i’ was sober for a day. well if you know how the fuck old i am…don’t call me a god damn kid or fucking kiddo and i’ll stop throwing it in your face like a spoiled drink at how the fuck old i what the fuck is sleep?…oh.. it’s that thing where ya know…hmm close your eye’s after laying down on a pillow right. aww man you of all people should know sleep and i haven’t been friend’s for a long fucking time and that when i do’s alway’s been on a fucked up schedule dude. an duh…the same fucking way you did..when you were my age…isn’t that called ….wait shit what is it called again….oh right shit. FAKE FUCKING I.D which i’m sure your a god damn pro at…considering how much shit ya hide..ya know…”

The last part was a low blow I’ll admit, but I was running low on patience…quickly with him. Wolfgang was definitely wearing out his welcome in my room, either he had something to say to me, or talk to me about…or he was just trying to be a nosy fucking prick. I know Yuuki didn’t put him up to this, and Clary and Julian were staying out of my way still…it was easy to tell by the look in their eye’s when I staggered into the dining room. An I let him know…he was wearing out his welcome… – I got up off my bed downed the bottle and slammed it down on my night stand causing him to jump.

Wolfgang: “What the hell is it with you and slamming shit all the time Johnathan? An fair enough…fake id. Look your getting fucking married soon alright, ever thought about maybe I don’t know slowing down a bit…for yourself..and Ramiro’s sake? Johnathan..he’s been trying to get a hold of you the last 2 or 3 day’s – An your right, I shouldn’t of said to you what I did…the day you told me about Emma..I’m sorry. Thank you for telling me by the way…I never knew. An hey…Johnathan — do me a favor bud….slow down on the other thing too…or quit it all together alright.”

As soon as he said Ramiro’s name I tuned out…I didn’t want to even hear his name. Being in a relationship for fours year’s..and someone still doubting you..hurt’s. Yeah…married – I wondered if maybe that was what was keeping me from doing what I’ve wanted to do my whole life too…and from keeping me from jumping. I knew all he wanted was to just lecture me on shit that didn’t even concern him at all. I threw the necklace he’d given me over the cliff for a fucking reason…I just didn’t know what is was yet.

Wolfgang: “Johnathan…? hello….Johnathan…are you still with me?…did you hear me?”

Shaking my head and coming back to reality, I hadn’t even realized I was leaning against my dresser with my hand’s in my pocket staring at the floor. I jerked my head up to find Wolfgang staring at me, I realized I hadn’t heard a single thing he’d even fucking said…and I felt like a god damn asshole all the sudden. Sighing…taking a deep breath..

Johnathan: “i’m sorry…what?”

Wolfgang shook his head and walked over to me…stared at me for a minute. I hadn’t realized how much..or how little age had really effected him. To be honest he still looked like he was in his 30’s even though he was close to his 60’s. My guess is that Yuuki had a lot to do with all of it, they were happy together..have been since they were 15 1/2. All the kid’s they had…minus Emma had blonde hair like Wolfgang didEmma ended up getting brown hair like Yuuki.

Even the kid’s all ended up getting Wolfgang’s grey eye’s…maybe he was just more dominant in the gene pool or something..I don’t know. I shoved the imaged of Mark out of my mind…his brown hair and smoldering grey eye’s assaulting me along with the smell of his irish spring soap, I clenched my fist’s in my pocket’s and gritted my teeth. Felt blood come out of my wrist and onto my pants, I was guessing the roughness of the material had re opened it…if it ever closed to begin with. Shaking my head mentally rather than physically, I listen to Wolfgang talk all over again…sounding more distant…then like he is right in front of me. 

Wolfgang: “I asked if maybe you thought about slowing down…for you and Ramiro’s sake…? He’s been trying to get a hold of you for the last 2 or 3 day’s by the way. I also said..thanks because I had no idea. An I’m sorry for saying what I did to you that night you told me about Em – well.. – anyway…hey Johnathan…do me a favor and slow down on the other thing to..or quit it all together alright..”

Jesus…he couldn’t even say his own daughter’s name still. I guess it was still a shock to him, maybe if I was in his shoes too though…I’d be the same…wouldn’t be able to say my deceased child’s name. I didn’t care if Ramiro was trying to get a hold of me…for some reason it didn’t matter to me, biting the inside of my lip I held back a bitter reply to him mentioning Ramiro. Slowing down…I never thought about it…not really – everything has been so fucked up though …drinking has been what’s helping me get by, if only he knew what the fuck was going on in my life…mind, with me in fucking general ever since I was young. Not being able to stand him looking at me anymore I look away and stare at the ground again.

Sighing inwardly…maybe I should just let him know…I knew I was gay…even before I met Ramiro…or told…rephrase that showed them that I was gay. I somehow didn’t know how that would help me in this type of situation though, or why I even thought it. I need to slow down…or stop the other thing…do me a favor…bud. I bit my lip hard, tasting blood trying not to let it show just how good the pain felt…knowing Wolfgang would be able to see it on my face since the moon was shining in through the window. I let the anger pass quickly over my the fuck did he know anyway…it pissed me off.

Johnathan: “no i haven’t thought about slowing down…- yeah..and your point is, he knows where the fuck the house is..does he not..did he suddenly forget where we…i… live? your welcome…- i don’t do sorry’s…they are a empty word with just as empty a feeling..”

Shoving off my dresser and pushing past him I grab another bottle of vodka and open it and take a huge drink. What that fuck does he know…regretting the question…mainly because I was always told or asked what the fuck do I know…and told that I don’t fucking know anything. Looking at my wrist, watch the blood run down my arm…“do i want to know why your wrist is bleeding…., or where the hell you’ve been the last 2 or 3 day’s….” Gritting my teeth..since when do they care anyway, I’m not their’s a little late to start caring now …don’t you think. Suddenly the bottle is yanked out of my hand, I look up more angry than annoyed as it is set down next to the empty bottle.

Wolfgang: “Johnathan….stop. What is wrong? Look..son if your trying to drown out something by won’t help. It’ll make it worse, not to mention it won’t make what ever it is that’s bothering you..go away. Sit down…let’s talk…”

Johnathan: “son….- you only have one son, and that’s julian. unless you want me to bring up the triplet’s that you raised partially that weren’t your’s…wasn’t one of them a boy wolfgang.”

Fuming I grabbed up the bottle and went back toward my dresser. Son, …bullshit just like everything else in my fucked up life. I made sure he heard the venom in my tone when I flung that in his face, I didn’t look to see if it hurt him..maybe I should have though. It would of honestly probably given me a little satisfaction through out all of this bullshit since he stepped into my room to begin with. Suddenly I was so fucking annoyed….on top of fuming.

Johnathan: “and slow or stop what completely wolfgang? an…since when does anything ….you know nevermind. slow or stop what wolfgang, i’m suddenly curious..”

Wolfgang: “…You know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m not going to spell it out for you Johnathan. Look…it’s none of my business – I’m dropping it actually…and if you don’t know what I’m talking about…I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Your a smart kid Johnathan and always have been. ”

I’d had enough…Wolfgang had officially worn out his welcome. Pissed off, and fuming, hurting and depressed and spiraling into even a darker mood it was time for him to fucking go. Damn fucking straight…none of his business, next time it does bring it might not be verbal this time. Again with the kid shit….really, he was officially done, and so was I –

Johnathan: you’ve worn out your welcome in my room. you know where the door is wolfgang. do me a favor…don’t slam it, don’t let it hit you on the way out either. also…we’ve been through this…i’m not a fucking kid…i am 18. by the way…your welcome and to answer your question about my wrist…if i didn’t answer it before – you don’t want to know what happened to it…”

Wolfgang: “Johnathan…- I…Look…Yuuki and I have considered you our son regardless of you being adopted or what ever. . .look…I know you didn’ fact I know you don’t know this Johnathan..but we all love yo – ”


Once he left I locked the door behind me and slid to the floor. I didn’t want to hear anymore lies. No more stories, or sorry’s that they didn’t mean…I took the pain I was feeling in like a drug. I just imagined myself breathing it in …instead of drinking, or snorting it in, the pain was in the air I was breathing. I was just so tired of everything, and all of this just threw me over the edge that didn’t exist…that I wished existed now so I could actually jump over it and plunge to the death I’ve wished for…for so fucking long.

Thinking about where I threw my pocket knife earlier…thought’s flew through my mind that made me want to more and more. Downing the bottle of vodka, I got up off the floor and  barely made it to my bed before collapsing on it in pure hatred, anger, depression and hurt through all the drunkenness and coke flowing through my body. “he’s been trying to reach you for the last 2 or 3 day’s….” irritatingly I found myself turning on my phone before dropping it on the floor. Groaning I sat up sending the room spinning and reached down and picked up my phone seeing that I had indeed one voicemail. Suddenly Mark’s brown hair and smoldering grey eye’s flashed through my mind making me bite my lip, remembering barely even getting inside his house ….and the door shutting before we were all over one another.

Mark’s hair brushing against me as he kissed me, neck…held me. Mark’s smell of Irish spring, and just him ..himself down to the detergent he uses to wash his clothes and the softer he used for the dryer. The mint smell of his toothpaste, mouth wash, the shampoo he uses, I find my room spinning as my mind gets assaulted by all of this. Grabbing my phone and laying back down on my bed staring at the ceiling debating listening to the phone vibrates..ohh goodie…text message. I glare at my phone suddenly wanting to throw it across my room..

Ramiro: I miss you…wish you would talk to me…or call me..stop by..or something.

To fucked up to care about anything, I remember when Mark tried to stop me….if he didn’t try and stop me it would of never led to what it did. If everyone’ would of just left me alone, I wouldn’t be here right now. Sighing…I try and figure out what to say to Ramiro…even though I shouldn’t even bother…I don’t anything to fucking do with him right now. Oh…suddenly I knew….rephrase that know exactly what the fuck to say…and it’s not even because of my being fucked up, nor drunk.

Johnathan: ….miss me… that’s funny…so funny i forgot to laugh ram. if you …so call…this what was it…ohhhh right “miss me”…or “loved me” you wouldn’t still be doubting after four years. ..stop by…funny…in fact so funny i again forgot to laugh. im respecting you like you askkked or did ya forget. …

I pressed send, I really regret turning my fucking phone on. Shutting it off again I roll over and put it on the charger knocking over the empty bottle of vodka onto the floor causing it to shatter. I roll back over onto my back and stare at the ceiling, I lay there and let images of Mark and I shoot through my mind….hating it, but loving it at the same time. It doesn’t matter I won’t be seeing him again anyway…ever. Eventually image’s of Ramiro float into my mind and by then I just don’t care…I eventually fall into a restless sleep.



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